Okay, MAYBE it's time for Chinese Lessons

as my friend was pouring me a glass of whiskey, he asked if i could read chinese.

"a little bit. not good enough to read the papers, but i guess i could get by."

i looked at the bottle about 2 metres away from me, and said,
"like those words there, i can't read them."

he looked at me funny and asked "What words?"

"those 3 words at the top".

he picked up the bottle, looked at it, and then stared at me. my jaw dropped when i realized what it could possibly be..
"what??? don't tell me those 3 things aren't chinese?"

he pushed the bottle to my face.
they were 3 logos/trademarks of johnny walker red label.

Language gone Loco

1. My Caucasian friend, Dave, and I walked into a provision shop.

Dave: excuse me, do you sell eggs?

Shop assistant: hah?

Dave: eggs?

Shop assistant: hah? (looking at me for help. But I was too busy controlling my laughter)

Dave: er, do you sell eggs?

Shop assistant: hah? I don’t know lah.. (looks at me again)

Me: ni you mei you mai ji dan ah? ("do you have eggs" in Mandarin)

Shop assistant: oooooooooorrrrrrrrrr… EK ah???

(Subtitle: oh, you meant eggs?)

2. On my way home:-

Taxi-driver: Miss ah, you wan to go under or upstair?
(Subtitle: excuse me miss, shall I take the underpass?)

3. Going to orchard road:-

Me: hello, I’m going to orchard road?

Taxi-driver: ok. (looks at me through his rear view mirror) you Filipino ah?

Me: no.

Taxi-driver: Your speaking very different.

Me: really?

Taxi-driver: why ah? Your speaking very different.

Me: I don’t know.

Taxi-driver: Not Filipino ah? Ooorrr.. I tot you Filipino. Your speaking really different, why ah?

Me: I don’t know.

I sometimes play along with whatever race the driver thought I belonged to. I’ve been Japanese, Korean, and Malay. Filipino was a first. What’s next?
Why don’t I just say I’m Chinese? Because I learned my lesson the hard way. The one time I did that, I got a long and torturous lecture for not speaking it.
Perhaps I should have heeded his advice and started with Hokkien vulgarities then.

4. MSN conversation with Ellen - I had to get help for this translation mind you…

Me:
My boss is ok. He gives us a lot of freedom. Maybe there are too many people in the department now for him to keep an eye on everyone.

Ellen:
i tot more pple he will see more tight.
(Subtitle: I thought if there were more people in the department, he would keep a closer eye on them?)

5. My mother and brother in an optical store.

My mother was kicking my brother’s leg, telling him to listen to this.

the optician's assistant came out to bitch about her sister's maid…
“…the maid bring some rash from her country... Ah yah… all the 5 cent 10cent on her leg”

okay, i might not know every local slang, but co...me on, this can't EVEN be Singlish! can it?